Sweet FSA
Posted on:
18
Feb
2012
by James Farmer
Frederick Smythe-Allinson’s take on the eurozone crisis goes right off the wall
An Enduring Economic Legacy
So farewell then, Silvio Berlusconi. Considering what a fine comedic figure you cut during your three stints at the helm of Europe’s fourth largest economy, it’s been unexpectedly hard to find any properly amusing anecdotes about your period in office. Too many of the stories seem to have revolved either around bunga-bunga parties or around ‘reinterpretations’ of darker events from the 1940s. None of which belong here.
But Allinson is a determined sort of chap, and the following memorable quotes from the great man are offered for your quiet delectation:
“In Italy I am almost seen as German for my workaholism. And I am from Milan, the city where people work the hardest. Work, work, work – Why, I’m almost German.”
“Do it my way and earn more money.” (2003, upon being asked how young people can escape poverty.)
“He is young, handsome, and suntanned.” (Of Barack Obama, November 2008.)
“I have little hair because my brain is so big it pushes the hair out.” (2002)
“I am without doubt the person who’s been the most persecuted in the entire history of the world and the history of man.” (October 2009, after his immunity from prosecution was lifted.)
Ciao, Silvio. We won’t see your like again, with any luck.
Chain Letter
A recycled oldie from the bad old days of communist eastern Europe that seems surprisingly appropriate to the new financial black holes of the south.
The new Spanish Finance Minister, Elena Salgado, arrives at her new office to take charge of the financial shambles that her predecessor has considerately left behind for her. There on her desk are three envelopes, together with a handwritten note.
“Think of these as your personal three wishes,” it says. “Every time you run into any serious problems, open one of them for effective guidance from someone who really knows what to do.”
“Huh,” thinks Ms Salgado dismissively, “I don’t need any advice from you, pal.”
But she speaks too soon. Within weeks, the Christmas celebrations are shattered by the urgent ringing of telephones in her office. The economy has utterly stalled, the bond yield has hit 8%, the unemployment rate is 25% and Standard & Poors have downgraded the country to BAA. She opens the first envelope. “Blame the media,” it tells her.
Ah well, a new year, a new beginning. But January turns out to be just as bad. The banks are tottering, manufacturing output is down 40%, unemployment is at 28% and Moody’s have gone for a B2. She opens another envelope. “Blame your predecessor,” the note advises.
By March it’s looking terminal. The economy is deep into crisis and the markets have crashed. The bond yield has topped 12%, the European Central Bank isn’t answering the phone, and the banks are being bailed out by the Russian mafia. Youth unemployment has hit 55% and the crowds are burning effigies in the streets.
With a sigh, Salgado opens the final envelope and reads the final instructions:
“Take three envelopes….”
Random Walk Volunteers?
Last month, Allinson issued a general call to anyone in the industry who felt up to the challenge of taking on a couple of two year olds at the random walk share tipping game. But so far he’s been impressed by the modesty of IFA Magazine readers. We’re still looking for volunteers who reckon that their FTSE-100 stock-picking skills can consistently outmanoeuvre our toddler tipsters, who are sure you can never have too many bears and whose idea of a liquidity squeeze is a half-empty carton of milk on the carpet.
Pseudonyms are welcome by all means. If you fancy being Spiderman or the Joker or the Caped Crusader, we’ll be more than happy to pit you against our Dynamic Duo. Drop a line to the editor at editor@ifamagazine.com, and we’ll do the rest.
