Next Page

Too good to be true?

  • By Jason Stockwell
alternative investment

Richard Harvey’s mind has been working overtime recently as his thoughts turn to some rather wacky, alternative investment ideas


Thankfully the low-life pension scammers who have plagued the lives of many a decent UK citizen over the past few years have now been put firmly back in their box. With the threat of a £500,000 fine if hey cold-call unsuspecting prospects, there now opens up a glittering new market for scallywags to punt other types of exotic investment.

Imagine the phone call: “No, I don’t want to talk about your pension pot. But is it right you have a few bob sculling around in a low-interest bank account? Because I can get it to perform like Lionel Messi on speed!”

Whilst all advisers – and I should guess most savers also – are now cute enough to spurn the really glitzy offerings, which sound too good to be true simply because they are, it’s set me thinking about the sort of alternative investments which could provide a home for funds languishing in unloved, and miserably rewarded, bank accounts.

So, with tongue firmly in cheek, how about channelling some funds into:

  • The Theresa May stickability book
    Whatever your take on Brexit, you have to admit the lady has demonstrated the sort of resilience which is typically only evidenced by trans-Polar explorers. Let’s face it, most of us would have just said “sod it” months ago, and sloped off into retirement.Regardless of the outcome of the most knackering political process that I’ve witnessed in my – and probably your – lifetime, Mrs May has a surefire best-seller on her hands, explaining how she even managed to get out of bed every morning and face down the howling hordes in the Commons. What’s her secret? A hip vegan diet? Plugging into the sort of electric contraption that brought Frankenstein’s lovechild to life? Go on Theresa – tell us how you did it.

 

A Hermes Birkin bag can cost £28,000 today, with a reasonable assumption that this time next year a Russian ligarch’s mistress will snap it up at auction for a hefty premium

 

  • Posh crocodile handbags
    Firstly, I ask you to suspend any enviro-conscience about the rights of a crocodile to keep its epidermis intact. A Hermes Birkin bag can cost £28,000 today, with a reasonable assumption that this time next year a Russian oligarch’s mistress will snap it up at auction for a hefty premium. Bag that profit!

 

Whilst all advisers – and I should guess most savers – are now cute enough to spurn the really glitzy offerings, which sound too good to be true simply because they are

 

  • Printer ink cartridges
    It has long struck me that one of the world’s greatest criminal conspiracies is between the manufacturers of desktop printers and ink cartridges (yes, this is a major bugbear of mine).Can there be any justification for one company flogging a complete set of HP cartridges for almost four hundred quid (although, wowee, this does include ‘high capacity’ cartridges and a pack of paper)?It means the ink in each cartridge is worth more than the same volume of Dom Perignon champagne.

    I rest my case.

  • ‘NCIS’ bumper boxsets
    Being a savvy consumer of popular culture, you’re probably too deep into the latest offering from Netflix to ever wander into the outer reaches of Freeview channels. There you will find ‘NCIS’, an American crime series, which has been going since John Logie Baird started mucking around with cathode ray tubes (or, at least, it seems like it).There may be an additional investment opportunity here, in the cosmetics company which can keep leading actors Mark Harmon, Michael Weatherly and Pauley Perrete looking exactly the same as they did when Methusalah was a lad.

So there you go. I have to admit that these are some very alternative- and admittedly very random – investment ideas that you may – or may not – wish to consider. Just don’t tell your clients where they came from – this magazine has a reputation to protect.

Get more stories like these Subscribe Sign in